c'est la vie

I guess today I learned that you always should be aware of your surroundings.

take heed, dear friend: Monsters come in all shapes and sizes and at the most opportune and inopportune times. they come in broad daylight and in the midst of the night. they can be happy, sad, joyful, angry, or confused. they can be thick-skinned, hairless, have 3 horns, have spikes that run down along their back, they can be Hairy, they can have fire at the end of their tail, and they can have great, big, terrifying wings.

untitled, chya

I was listening to the song, "Timothy Hay," by mewithoutyou today for the first time in ages. Its a silly little song that reminds me of the earth that has a resounding chorus at the end that exclaims, over and over, "What a beautiful God there must be!" It seems really fitting that I should listen to that song and have that exclamation stick in my head on a day like this.

I had someone very dear to me tell me today that instead of devoting myself to her, she feels God telling her that I need to be devoting myself to him. which normally, in any other given context, and if told to me by almost any other person, I would write off as christianese and not worth the thought. but the circumstances in which I was told this made the statement very valid and real and worthwhile and deserving of respect. which is an odd feeling (giving a statement like that the time of day).

so here I am, frustrated, confused, angry, sad, lonely, discouraged, and somewhat hopeful in a very unfamiliar way to me. I have so many emotions inside of my body and soul and being, fighting each other like they are a part of some brilliant war a la helm's deep, I don't know what to do with myself. I am beside myself. I literally don't even know what to write. thats why I just wrote the same thing over and over and over again.

for some context, this week I discovered that I will also be officially on the summer staff of 2011 at camp hammer. as a counselor. something I know will absolutely demand a Will that is selfless and at peace. I'm envisioning the most challenging 2 months of my life, because last summer I had no idea what I was getting myself into when I decided to be a counselor at camp. this year, I know exactly what I'm getting into, which is in a way a HUGE relief and in a way a MASSIVE challenge. I can dig. I'm stoked. let me say that again. I'm stoked. I love eric. I love the forest. I love people. I love kids. I love the love that is found at camp. its a peculiar and specific and wonderful kind of love. very unique.

I'm thankful for my friends. just in general.

Also, this week, I wrote my first article for the clause. and I LOVED it. and I was/am so proud. and I was/am so nervous. this is something I potentially want to do with the rest of my life. and if that turns out to be true I will be ecstatic. writing about music simply combines two of my greatest joys: writing and music. boom.

if you combine all of that excitement and nervousness and relief and joy with the feelings of tonight which would namely be confusion, frustration, anger, despair, and some weird form of hopefulness, you have one helluva mess. and one lone human screaming out to God, "screw you!" "why?" "what's WRONG with you?" "how on earth am I supposed to believe you are sovereign?" "show yourself" "prove it" "and, by the way, screw you" "but seriously, just tell me why". its an odd arrangement. I might expect such an arrangement to be found in the depths of a thom yorke b-side or something. its just really, really weird.

Aaron Weiss once penned, "What a beautiful God there must be!"

I'm trying to figure out his reasoning and how he came to that conclusion, and where that falls into place in my life, and I'm praying for a faith that declares that statement to be absolutely true.

we've got heads on sticks, you've got ventriloquists

Some of my best memories involve me staying up late at night by myself reflecting on the deepest of things while listening to really dark music.

"Dark" can refer to a lot of different ideas. It can suggest hatred, bitterness, sadness, seriousness, etc. A lot of the time it culminates into a group of songs similar to a few radiohead tunes, with lyrics like, "cut the kids in half" and "while you make pretty speeches, I'm being cut to shreds". I think I like the idea of seriousness the best. I find I spend too little time being serious in my day to day life.

I seem to relate to and harbor the feeling of loneliness and sadness and disappointment and bitterness much more than I do that of happiness or elatedness.

but that doesn't necessarily elicit discontentment.

in fact, it is in those glorious memories of late nights spent thinking/feeling/reading/listening that I feel the most content, the most at peace. I can't explain why. but there it is. music speaks to me the most at those times. those are the times when a simple melody has evoked tears and countless emotions inside of me. when a remembered person or event has enraged me to the point where the only thing I can think of is to take a long walk or drive, no destination in mind.

tangent.

I think of myself as a very shy and awkward person.

I guarantee you this is contrary to what 99% of my friends and family must think of me.

I don't know how to handle large groups of people, or even a small group of people if the people I'm with are in a very... wild... mood. I get extraordinarily quiet and awkward when in these situations. I literally just don't know how to handle myself, how to act, what to say, what to think... I feel socially retarded in those situations. and, often times, in those situations, I'll try to say something or make a joke out of sheer desperation and it falls completely flat. and, usually when I crack a joke and it magnificently crashes into nothingness, I can and enjoy awkwardly playing it off and relishing in it. but in those sorts of situations where I am a social leper, I get incredibly embarrassed.

I don't know why, but the strangest things embarrass me. things that I will normally encourage or do/say myself.

I ramble, and am now at a loss of what to say. my mind has gone completely blank. after re-reading what I just wrote, I can only think how narcissistic and pessimistic I must be.

c'est la vie, as they say. by "they" I most certainly mean the kind and rebellious gents of The Dead Poet Society and the like. of course. ha!

a patch of pink on a rainy day.

what a wonderful day. christmas is a wonderful time to give. it is a wonderful time to receive. it is a wonderful time to love. it is a wonderful time to be loved.

it is a fantastic day to enjoy all of the peculiar and joyous things that make people tick. that makes a person their own unique person. it is a fantastic day to play games, to drink tea (lots of tea), and to finish a good book.

it is a magnificent day to be in tears over the love that one knows his family gives him.

its an even better day to mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally prepare to see underoath with 5 of one's dearest friends. screaming can be such an art.

I am truly blessed. I realize that many, millions, even, do not enjoy the incredible amount of comfort and love that I receive on all days, in particular the magical day of christmas. why that is I do not claim to know. I do not claim to know why I have been deemed special enough to live the life I live. all I can do is enjoy it and try to make others' lives more enjoyable in the process.

also, little red riding hood can be such a badass.

late night musings. hook.

I usually get a huge feeling of anxiety and loneliness when I come home for a break or summer or whatever. I haven't felt that as much this winter break. I'm not sure why, but its nice.

my mind's ramblings...

I'm not sure how I feel about true grit. I just saw it, and I think I was expecting too much (or perhaps it was that I was expecting something different). the dialogue was great, the characters likable. I'm going to sleep on it.

clouds continue to be one of my favorite things in the world to look at/imagine I'm flying through. they are ever-changing and ever-beautiful, and surprise me every time I look up at the sky.

I love hearing people talk in icelandic. and when I say "people talk in icelandic", I really mean "jónsi sing in icelandic". I think its a beautiful language.

swahili is also (objectively) a beautiful language.

I think it is more practical and noble for one to believe in love than any specific religion.

hell is the most vile, abusive, and abhorrent idea ever conceived by man.

mixes are fun.

the rain is a wonderful thing, but its a double-edged sword.

everyone should start using the term, 'bitchcoat'.

the bbc office is brilliant, and leaves me with a bittersweet feeling upon reaching its end. david brent is supremely likable and unlikable. its like finishing the end of a book. I sometimes am so afraid of that bittersweet feeling after reading a good book I simply won't finish it. I've read the lord of the rings series like 4 times, but I've never finished the 3rd book. I can't bring myself to it.


that is most everything that is on my mind at the moment. I'm going to do this more often.

also, I got a B+ in walk/jog. a B+! after I was consistently first in every running exercise we did. I left those 20 freshmen girls in the dust, crying and wishing they weren't forced to eat only at the caf/den so they could get better nutrition and therefore run faster in walk/jog every monday and wednesday at 8:20. but that apparently wasn't enough for ms. duskin. my superior nutrition of peanut butter and honey toast and consistently superior performance just couldn't pull off an A. it happens, I guess.

The World Has Turned And Left Me Here

Today was the most disappointing, embarrassing, and emotional day I've had in a long time. A very long time.

I can't remember the last time I had to avoid people walking home because I didn't want them to see the tears in my eyes.
Or the last time I didn't eat lunch because I felt so defeated. I love eating.
Never before have I got up and walked out of a classroom because I couldn't handle being in the room where I received my dismissal from an academic program, in test form.
I went home, got in the shower, stood there, and just cried. I cried, and cried, and cried. The entire time I could only think of tobias sitting in the shower, in his cut offs, weeping.

How pathetic.

This is certainly the first time I've ever called my mom in an act of desperation because I had so much emotion in me and I just needed to tell someone. If you would have asked me yesterday, I would have NEVER thought that in a million years I would be one of those kids. The kind that call their parents when life sucks. But here I am.

I made this huge and exciting major change this summer to switch from music to biology so I could be a zoologist. So I could study animals. And make money. Perfect, right? Only problem with that is I have to take all these shit biology and chemistry and calculus and physics classes in order to do that. Whatever, I thought, I'll just power through them so I can eventually become an animal researcher for National Geographic (or whatever).

Well, today is the day that I have to withdraw from my General Biology I class, because I simply couldn't do it. I've never failed a class before. Let alone the easiest biology class offered. Let alone the easiest class offered for my major. I hyped myself, my family, and my friends up so much on the idea of me being a zoologist and was gung-ho for the biology major until today. And all I can say to myself, my family, and my friends is,

"I failed. I couldn't do it."

How. Embarrassing.

Thus is today, November 2, 2010. The biggest let down I think I've ever felt. I'm not sure why this failure is so personal and emotional to me. But for whatever reason it feels like an attack on my very essence, an attack on the personhood of William Burford Cook IV.

Music; I left because I wanted to. I conquered music, told it I was over it, and threw it away. Biology conquered me, told me we were through, and turned and left me with no option but to call my mom in tears (which, as it turns out, was the right thing to do, and I'm thankful I did it). Wondering where I am, who I am, and what's to become.

I received some good advice to take each day as it comes, and I'm going to try and do that. I also received some wonderful support and encouragement from friends, which is noted. A special thanks to natalie and marissa, it meant a lot.

All this to say,

Whatever. Time to move on. Life won't go on hiatus while it waits for me to get my shit together. God is good (I'll keep thinking that, at least).

...perhaps literature?

Jonsi.

Remember that one time I saw Jonsi? Me too.