we've got heads on sticks, you've got ventriloquists

Some of my best memories involve me staying up late at night by myself reflecting on the deepest of things while listening to really dark music.

"Dark" can refer to a lot of different ideas. It can suggest hatred, bitterness, sadness, seriousness, etc. A lot of the time it culminates into a group of songs similar to a few radiohead tunes, with lyrics like, "cut the kids in half" and "while you make pretty speeches, I'm being cut to shreds". I think I like the idea of seriousness the best. I find I spend too little time being serious in my day to day life.

I seem to relate to and harbor the feeling of loneliness and sadness and disappointment and bitterness much more than I do that of happiness or elatedness.

but that doesn't necessarily elicit discontentment.

in fact, it is in those glorious memories of late nights spent thinking/feeling/reading/listening that I feel the most content, the most at peace. I can't explain why. but there it is. music speaks to me the most at those times. those are the times when a simple melody has evoked tears and countless emotions inside of me. when a remembered person or event has enraged me to the point where the only thing I can think of is to take a long walk or drive, no destination in mind.

tangent.

I think of myself as a very shy and awkward person.

I guarantee you this is contrary to what 99% of my friends and family must think of me.

I don't know how to handle large groups of people, or even a small group of people if the people I'm with are in a very... wild... mood. I get extraordinarily quiet and awkward when in these situations. I literally just don't know how to handle myself, how to act, what to say, what to think... I feel socially retarded in those situations. and, often times, in those situations, I'll try to say something or make a joke out of sheer desperation and it falls completely flat. and, usually when I crack a joke and it magnificently crashes into nothingness, I can and enjoy awkwardly playing it off and relishing in it. but in those sorts of situations where I am a social leper, I get incredibly embarrassed.

I don't know why, but the strangest things embarrass me. things that I will normally encourage or do/say myself.

I ramble, and am now at a loss of what to say. my mind has gone completely blank. after re-reading what I just wrote, I can only think how narcissistic and pessimistic I must be.

c'est la vie, as they say. by "they" I most certainly mean the kind and rebellious gents of The Dead Poet Society and the like. of course. ha!