I guess today I learned that you always should be aware of your surroundings.
take heed, dear friend: Monsters come in all shapes and sizes and at the most opportune and inopportune times. they come in broad daylight and in the midst of the night. they can be happy, sad, joyful, angry, or confused. they can be thick-skinned, hairless, have 3 horns, have spikes that run down along their back, they can be Hairy, they can have fire at the end of their tail, and they can have great, big, terrifying wings.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Saturday, March 5, 2011
untitled, chya
I was listening to the song, "Timothy Hay," by mewithoutyou today for the first time in ages. Its a silly little song that reminds me of the earth that has a resounding chorus at the end that exclaims, over and over, "What a beautiful God there must be!" It seems really fitting that I should listen to that song and have that exclamation stick in my head on a day like this.
I had someone very dear to me tell me today that instead of devoting myself to her, she feels God telling her that I need to be devoting myself to him. which normally, in any other given context, and if told to me by almost any other person, I would write off as christianese and not worth the thought. but the circumstances in which I was told this made the statement very valid and real and worthwhile and deserving of respect. which is an odd feeling (giving a statement like that the time of day).
so here I am, frustrated, confused, angry, sad, lonely, discouraged, and somewhat hopeful in a very unfamiliar way to me. I have so many emotions inside of my body and soul and being, fighting each other like they are a part of some brilliant war a la helm's deep, I don't know what to do with myself. I am beside myself. I literally don't even know what to write. thats why I just wrote the same thing over and over and over again.
for some context, this week I discovered that I will also be officially on the summer staff of 2011 at camp hammer. as a counselor. something I know will absolutely demand a Will that is selfless and at peace. I'm envisioning the most challenging 2 months of my life, because last summer I had no idea what I was getting myself into when I decided to be a counselor at camp. this year, I know exactly what I'm getting into, which is in a way a HUGE relief and in a way a MASSIVE challenge. I can dig. I'm stoked. let me say that again. I'm stoked. I love eric. I love the forest. I love people. I love kids. I love the love that is found at camp. its a peculiar and specific and wonderful kind of love. very unique.
I'm thankful for my friends. just in general.
Also, this week, I wrote my first article for the clause. and I LOVED it. and I was/am so proud. and I was/am so nervous. this is something I potentially want to do with the rest of my life. and if that turns out to be true I will be ecstatic. writing about music simply combines two of my greatest joys: writing and music. boom.
if you combine all of that excitement and nervousness and relief and joy with the feelings of tonight which would namely be confusion, frustration, anger, despair, and some weird form of hopefulness, you have one helluva mess. and one lone human screaming out to God, "screw you!" "why?" "what's WRONG with you?" "how on earth am I supposed to believe you are sovereign?" "show yourself" "prove it" "and, by the way, screw you" "but seriously, just tell me why". its an odd arrangement. I might expect such an arrangement to be found in the depths of a thom yorke b-side or something. its just really, really weird.
Aaron Weiss once penned, "What a beautiful God there must be!"
I'm trying to figure out his reasoning and how he came to that conclusion, and where that falls into place in my life, and I'm praying for a faith that declares that statement to be absolutely true.
I had someone very dear to me tell me today that instead of devoting myself to her, she feels God telling her that I need to be devoting myself to him. which normally, in any other given context, and if told to me by almost any other person, I would write off as christianese and not worth the thought. but the circumstances in which I was told this made the statement very valid and real and worthwhile and deserving of respect. which is an odd feeling (giving a statement like that the time of day).
so here I am, frustrated, confused, angry, sad, lonely, discouraged, and somewhat hopeful in a very unfamiliar way to me. I have so many emotions inside of my body and soul and being, fighting each other like they are a part of some brilliant war a la helm's deep, I don't know what to do with myself. I am beside myself. I literally don't even know what to write. thats why I just wrote the same thing over and over and over again.
for some context, this week I discovered that I will also be officially on the summer staff of 2011 at camp hammer. as a counselor. something I know will absolutely demand a Will that is selfless and at peace. I'm envisioning the most challenging 2 months of my life, because last summer I had no idea what I was getting myself into when I decided to be a counselor at camp. this year, I know exactly what I'm getting into, which is in a way a HUGE relief and in a way a MASSIVE challenge. I can dig. I'm stoked. let me say that again. I'm stoked. I love eric. I love the forest. I love people. I love kids. I love the love that is found at camp. its a peculiar and specific and wonderful kind of love. very unique.
I'm thankful for my friends. just in general.
Also, this week, I wrote my first article for the clause. and I LOVED it. and I was/am so proud. and I was/am so nervous. this is something I potentially want to do with the rest of my life. and if that turns out to be true I will be ecstatic. writing about music simply combines two of my greatest joys: writing and music. boom.
if you combine all of that excitement and nervousness and relief and joy with the feelings of tonight which would namely be confusion, frustration, anger, despair, and some weird form of hopefulness, you have one helluva mess. and one lone human screaming out to God, "screw you!" "why?" "what's WRONG with you?" "how on earth am I supposed to believe you are sovereign?" "show yourself" "prove it" "and, by the way, screw you" "but seriously, just tell me why". its an odd arrangement. I might expect such an arrangement to be found in the depths of a thom yorke b-side or something. its just really, really weird.
Aaron Weiss once penned, "What a beautiful God there must be!"
I'm trying to figure out his reasoning and how he came to that conclusion, and where that falls into place in my life, and I'm praying for a faith that declares that statement to be absolutely true.
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