The World Has Turned And Left Me Here

Today was the most disappointing, embarrassing, and emotional day I've had in a long time. A very long time.

I can't remember the last time I had to avoid people walking home because I didn't want them to see the tears in my eyes.
Or the last time I didn't eat lunch because I felt so defeated. I love eating.
Never before have I got up and walked out of a classroom because I couldn't handle being in the room where I received my dismissal from an academic program, in test form.
I went home, got in the shower, stood there, and just cried. I cried, and cried, and cried. The entire time I could only think of tobias sitting in the shower, in his cut offs, weeping.

How pathetic.

This is certainly the first time I've ever called my mom in an act of desperation because I had so much emotion in me and I just needed to tell someone. If you would have asked me yesterday, I would have NEVER thought that in a million years I would be one of those kids. The kind that call their parents when life sucks. But here I am.

I made this huge and exciting major change this summer to switch from music to biology so I could be a zoologist. So I could study animals. And make money. Perfect, right? Only problem with that is I have to take all these shit biology and chemistry and calculus and physics classes in order to do that. Whatever, I thought, I'll just power through them so I can eventually become an animal researcher for National Geographic (or whatever).

Well, today is the day that I have to withdraw from my General Biology I class, because I simply couldn't do it. I've never failed a class before. Let alone the easiest biology class offered. Let alone the easiest class offered for my major. I hyped myself, my family, and my friends up so much on the idea of me being a zoologist and was gung-ho for the biology major until today. And all I can say to myself, my family, and my friends is,

"I failed. I couldn't do it."

How. Embarrassing.

Thus is today, November 2, 2010. The biggest let down I think I've ever felt. I'm not sure why this failure is so personal and emotional to me. But for whatever reason it feels like an attack on my very essence, an attack on the personhood of William Burford Cook IV.

Music; I left because I wanted to. I conquered music, told it I was over it, and threw it away. Biology conquered me, told me we were through, and turned and left me with no option but to call my mom in tears (which, as it turns out, was the right thing to do, and I'm thankful I did it). Wondering where I am, who I am, and what's to become.

I received some good advice to take each day as it comes, and I'm going to try and do that. I also received some wonderful support and encouragement from friends, which is noted. A special thanks to natalie and marissa, it meant a lot.

All this to say,

Whatever. Time to move on. Life won't go on hiatus while it waits for me to get my shit together. God is good (I'll keep thinking that, at least).

...perhaps literature?